around & between

seeing your space, intervened by another

someone else’s warmth. it felt important to release. the safety, it was never on when our relationship halted. when our relationship faulted.

what happened between us? the space – 17 years of us, our space, blurred. permeated, slow released negative space – emptied, a window fog I couldn’t read the words any longer.

the fog cleared eventually. the space released, safely

it ached for a bit.

Actually, It was painful as fuck. A sharp pain, referred pain, the heart or was it the head? full body contorting, a movement, dispersing thoughtfully guiding, signaling the distress to it’s last waltz from the heart piece the head piece – wherever it originated from

now signaling healing.

I feel immense relief. Intense.

Encapsulated by another’s warmth.

Not yours.

Not ours anymore.

that’s what this feels like

when i see your face, speckled, an apple varnish brows burrowed deep into your subconscious

you say this is left field, my feelings. misgivings.

you say I’m making it look easy, the road most traveled, the flow downstream – easy

like going downhill after an arduous hike

but you don’t remember my struggles

the trek up the triple black diamond trail

muscles strained push against the currants

blooded & black – wounds in various states of healing

when will it stop? I thought often.

i sit. for a moment.

and let you speak. because me? I hurt many monsoons ago.

A night with Stacey Abrams 10/12

Stacey Abrams is the GOAT. 

My sister Fatima and I went to ‘Conversations with Stacey’ at the Mesa Arts Center earlier this week. It was dope.

These last few weeks I have started to become more intentional about my life. About my goals, my future self, and what actions and behaviors I need to take to become the person I want to become. Listening to a powerhouse like Ms. Abrams was transformational.

Biggest takeaways from that evening (long but worth it):

-Meet people where they are 
-Don’t get excited about the vote, become a voter. It’s not just about one action, it’s the mindset and consistency that comes with it
-The best organizations check on you before they need you. They continue to nurture that relationship before, during and after 
-Sometimes, containment only is the answer, not the cure
-Read voraciously and watch tv voraciously. Stories connect you with others
-Why feel guilty about watching TV? Don’t feel guilty about things you get pleasure from! Whether it’s a romance novel or the great British bake-off 
-Organizations need to be intentional about diversity. Bring others in that aren’t represented 
-Find alignment with others. You don’t have to have all of the same views on everything 
-Focus on progress, NOT perfection
-Evil doesn’t take a vacation, it recruits mean and comes back with a vengeance. Stay vigilant.
-Build strong teams. Be intentional and bring others up with you, remember.. there’s safety in numbers in success and when going through hardships
-Compromise your actions but don’t compromise your values
-Check out the Whistlestop podcast with John Dickerson
-Push back against disinformation. It’s a disease that wreaks havoc
-It’s not the vote it’s what it means that your voice matters 
-You should not have a higher level of democracy because of your race or status 
-Don’t enter conversations trying to change someone’s mind 
-Ideas are malleable ideologies are not 
-Remember the John Lewis quote “Get in good trouble”
-Be responsible for others. Always be learning, education is a passport. Volunteer your time no matter how little you have someone has it worse
-How to get your kids involved in civic duty? Take your child to vote with you every time
-And last but not least, have political discourse without being mean ❤️

Moving forward

She opens the book, her book

Gently she touches the page, uncurls the corner piece. Autobiography. Distance. Closeness.

She finishes the page, pauses. Reflects, words mirror. 

Who’s book? Her book. She rereads. Rereads. Rereads the same page, the same words, the same hate.

The same love, the brave, an escape. Movement and pause.

And vogue. And stroke. The bold words, the font, bleeds, it bleeds, it bleeds.

She stops. Rereads, hands shaking to turn the page. A knot in her throat. A not in her perspective. Transfixed. 

Stuck feeling, breathe.

Exhale and turn.

Forward to the next chapter. A sigh.

Relief. 

Day 2

“All progress starts by telling the truth.”

Dan Sullivan

Today, I took honest stock of my life. I wrote it all down.

It was sobering. 

Neither negative or positive, but sobering. Where I’ve been, where I am. Apparent.

 Laid it all out. Neutral words, visible, peering back. 

The computer screen, bright white, straining my eyes. 

Or are the words straining my eyes? 

How do I feel right now?

Entrenched in the present. 

Empty? Full?

Hopeful?

Hopeful. 

“I’m sorry”

After reading Extreme Ownership by Jocko several years ago, I decided to stop apologizing.

Unnecessarily over-apologizing, I mean.

A lot of women are raised to be less obtrusive, less offensive, and we’re quick to apologize for trivial things like someone else bumping into us, or for apologizing to the bartender for making the wrong drink.

Instead, develop a mindset shift and take extreme ownership. Become a leader and get to the root of the problem in a productive way. Utilize the phrase “I’m sorry” for when it really matters, not for everyday situations or it loses sincerity.

Some things to never apologize for include:

  • Asking questions
  • Voicing your point of view in a respectful way
  • Standing up for people and causes you care about
  • Being yourself

What are some things you should never apologize for?

mission statement

These last couple of weeks I’ve been working on developing a mission statement. It’s been a really involved, difficult project but I’ve learned a lot about myself. In all honesty, these last 9 months have been tremendous for me in terms of growth and development. It’s really interesting to see the progression of my thinking and mindset these last few years. What’s interesting is that some of the epiphanies I’ve been having are not from new things that I’ve learned. It’s lessons that I’ve been beating myself in the head with for several years, surrounding myself with and reading constantly, but maybe I wasn’t ready for them at that time? Or is it because I primed myself with this information and then caused explosive growth? I don’t know, but I feel like a different person. It’s strange because although I feel like a new person, I feel more authentic. I’m comfortable with my nuances. I’m comfortable in my skin. I’m comfortable with my voice, my thoughts, with me.