Moving forward

She opens the book, her book

Gently she touches the page, uncurls the corner piece. Autobiography. Distance. Closeness.

She finishes the page, pauses. Reflects, words mirror. 

Who’s book? Her book. She rereads. Rereads. Rereads the same page, the same words, the same hate.

The same love, the brave, an escape. Movement and pause.

And vogue. And stroke. The bold words, the font, bleeds, it bleeds, it bleeds.

She stops. Rereads, hands shaking to turn the page. A knot in her throat. A not in her perspective. Transfixed. 

Stuck feeling, breathe.

Exhale and turn.

Forward to the next chapter. A sigh.


Day 2

“All progress starts by telling the truth.”

Dan Sullivan

Today, I took honest stock of my life. I wrote it all down.

It was sobering. 

Neither negative or positive, but sobering. Where I’ve been, where I am. Apparent.

 Laid it all out. Neutral words, visible, peering back. 

The computer screen, bright white, straining my eyes. 

Or are the words straining my eyes? 

How do I feel right now?

Entrenched in the present. 

Empty? Full?



“I’m sorry”

After reading Extreme Ownership by Jocko several years ago, I decided to stop apologizing.

Unnecessarily over-apologizing, I mean.

A lot of women are raised to be less obtrusive, less offensive, and we’re quick to apologize for trivial things like someone else bumping into us, or for apologizing to the bartender for making the wrong drink.

Instead, develop a mindset shift and take extreme ownership. Become a leader and get to the root of the problem in a productive way. Utilize the phrase “I’m sorry” for when it really matters, not for everyday situations or it loses sincerity.

Some things to never apologize for include:

  • Asking questions
  • Voicing your point of view in a respectful way
  • Standing up for people and causes you care about
  • Being yourself

What are some things you should never apologize for?

mission statement

These last couple of weeks I’ve been working on developing a mission statement. It’s been a really involved, difficult project but I’ve learned a lot about myself. In all honesty, these last 9 months have been tremendous for me in terms of growth and development. It’s really interesting to see the progression of my thinking and mindset these last few years. What’s interesting is that some of the epiphanies I’ve been having are not from new things that I’ve learned. It’s lessons that I’ve been beating myself in the head with for several years, surrounding myself with and reading constantly, but maybe I wasn’t ready for them at that time? Or is it because I primed myself with this information and then caused explosive growth? I don’t know, but I feel like a different person. It’s strange because although I feel like a new person, I feel more authentic. I’m comfortable with my nuances. I’m comfortable in my skin. I’m comfortable with my voice, my thoughts, with me.

stupid relief tree

who are you,

you to me. I feel dispensable, a soap container

a plague, or mono. maybe. Never been kissed.

a tumultuous stirring, a soap box, anti-abortion signs in the middle of a college campus. I stop frat-


Internalizing every tidbit, every

upheaval, every breath


inhale, every breath restrains. thought leaves rustle. thoughts leave.

an anecdote, a pun, a pen, empty on its last limb


I feel as alone as a speck of sand in a toddlers shoe as she hurdles a tantrum. zen

I breath. Subdued. one. two. three.

every follicle, pore, every poor overworked thought tightening around my throat like a nuis-


I let go. one. two. three.

and I grow.

Start With Why by Simon Sinek

Golden Circle is comprised of the following: Why, How, What

WHATS: what products, what services, the job function, external factor.

HOW: how the WHATS are delivered. How something is different or better.

WHY: purpose, cause, or belief AKA internal factors. The why of a company is not to make money, making money . Companies that know their why differentiate themselves from companies that don’t know their why.

Companies with a strong WHY include Apple, Southwest Airlines, Disney. Those who have a strong why but diverge against it create an imbalance, and people notice. Example used is when Volkswagen created an incredibly high end car with all the bells and whistles, but this car didn’t align with their WHY – Volkswagen literally means “people’s car,” and is associated with the everyday person, the hipster, and should embody inclusion. Even though the high end car they put out had the best specs and was rated high, it was a failure and an volition of the Celery Test.

The limbic system is a portion of our brain that is responsible for feelings such as trust and loyalty. “Gut feeling” is actually derived from the limbic system, though it isn’t related to our logical, analytical or rational side, which is why sometimes it’s hard to put into words why we make the decisions we make.

Putting your WHY into words allows you to give a rational basis when you make decisions. As a leader, putting your WHY into words leads to accessibility and scalability even as your business expands. Those who follow you will be able to read and explain WHY which is important because the leader won’t always be there.

Visceral limbic feelings leads to loyalty. WHATs such as product, services, features are not WHYs and don’t lead to loyalty. WHATs are a proof of WHY.

Hire people who believe what you believe. The Celery Test is the power to filter decisions through your why. You can go to conferences, read books, get guidance and advice, but if it doesn’t align with your why, you’re wasting energy, time, and money.

TIVO failed because they were about WHATS – what their product did, what services they provided, etc. They used WHAT marketing rather than WHY marketing in order to rationalize the appeal of their product, leading to low sales. Sirius is another company that used the same tactics.

Partnerships are composed of WHY and HOW people. This type of relationship works because they WHY people have the vision, and the HOW people create a track to execute that vision.

Example of a WHY and HOW partnership that was incredibly successful is the Disney brothers relationships. Roy is the older, more practical brother who understood economics, business and finances, whereas Walt is the visionary who was always imaginative, optimistic and had his head in the clouds.

It’s important to have a WHY because WHATs never stay stagnant, especially in this technological era. Services, product features, price, etc. are constantly updated, but the vision, meaning and philosophy are inherent and don’t budge.

Anyone can be loud and have energy, but not everyone can be clear. Being loud to me is analogous to social media use in our current generation. On the exterior you can have fancy cars, perfect unblemished skin, a thicc booty and a 6 pack but clarity and why comes from the inside – it’s deep, never changing, and not fleeting.

Sinek describes the following leaders as being clear and having charisma, not just being loud: Dr. King, Bill Gates, Steve Jobs. Being loud rallies people, but clarity and charisma inspires.

This book is important. It’s made me realize why I have’t attained ‘success’ yet. Essentially, I haven’t developed and expressed a clear Why. Am I a how person or a why person? I think I’m a why person who has been trying to be a how person. I’m trying to learn too many different skills in order to execute a blurry vision. I have to stop, focus, and develop a solid vision. In Tom’s interview with Tai Lopez seen here: he talks about having a tombstone goal. Create a tombstone goal and reverse engineering that – if I want the end of my life at age 90 to look like this, this and this, then I have to do these following things by age 80, and so on and so forth. Not only did this book highlight the importance of having a clear vision, it also helped me understand the difference between being loud versus being clear. Charisma and confidence is exuded by people that are steadfast in what they believe in. They derive power and strength by having a crystal clear vision, not by being the loudest around. Loud people eventually run out of steam, whereas people with charisma and clarity are more consistent because the message they deliver and their philosophy does not alter.


brown freckled skin leaning in sheryl sandberg style we’re both introverted. an inconvenient truth, heart on my sleeve it’s gore, all of it. you and me, sleepy and dreamy melatonin washes, lightly lapping my dream shore

seaweed avocado cream cheese, sashimi, my rice rolls as you squeeze me

i love you like a fat kid loves cake. i love you like a grandma loves to bake. like a seattle millennial loves to get baked. like a buff dude likes protein shakes. wow.

i love you like i get up in the morning after a solid 8 hours and i stretch, feels good, bones crack, lips sunrise into a smile, warmth, heat, kindling 

i’m corny, you lightly graze on my insecurities, loving dove pecking at the crumbs meticulously placed all around me, surrounding me 

warm hands cold heart you rub your heart of psalms against my welcoming cool soul, bringing it back, back to life, karmic, graze anatomy


2018: A Year of Reading

I read quite a bit last year. I made some graphs because I like nerd shit. I read a variety of books, I reread some books because I thought they were important and they were short and sweet and it helped me reach my 52 book goal. I read comics, essays and fiction. I read nonfiction, I listened to audiobooks. I read books about zombie babies murdering neighbors. I read a book Da Terminator wrote about his Terminator life and there were actual nuggets of wisdom that I deeply appreciated.

I read the last book one of the greatest scientists of our time wrote. I read books that made me cry. Books that made me pull over and replay the last 30 seconds because that stanza was just so damn beautiful, so thought provoking and insanely and gorgeously and painfully written.

I read about how Starbucks began. I appreciated the hell out of the story.

I read a book about Elon Musk’s larger than life story, a heart wrenching story about a neurosurgeon’s fight with lung cancer. Books about the big bang theory, event horizons, and books that provided a hypothesis that disproved Gods existence – which really fucked me up, but in a good way. A book by Seth Godin about how to stand out, how to use your imagination and creating with love because that’s what differentiates us from machines in a cog – “Linchpin” was the book that inspired me to start this blog. And James Altucher’s “Choose Yourself” taught me to train my idea muscle on the daily – I’m all about that swole idea muscle life.

I reread Carol Dweck’s “Mindset.” Why? It’s a book so fucking important it should be read at least once every year. I also read 2 books that taught me about meditation and the power of being present, and lead me to download Headspace, an app that has positively affected my life. “You Are a Badass,” “The Subtle Art of Not Giving a Fuck,” and “Rejection Proof” made me laugh out loud IRL, and the story of Elizabeth Holmes of Theranos in “Bad Blood” made me go WTF IS WRONG WITH PPL.

This chart shows how many books I read each month. I really picked up my reading when we moved out of our apartment. My commute became longer, from 30 minutes one way to almost an hour one way so I got through A LOT of audiobooks starting in the summer. Not only did my commute get longer, but I was also more awake and feeling much better after switching from night shift to day shift, which occurred sometime during March/April. Nightshift really killed any desire for me to read anything I had to actually digest and think about.
I used Overdrive/Libby and Audible to get most of my audiobooks. Shoutout to Tom Bilyeu and the Impact Theory team, they really kicked off my love of audiobooks by sending me 3 months of audible credits because I was a was a 2nd place winner for a contest they were running. I used Audible when I REALLY REALLY wanted the book and when the wait times for the library was like 6 months or longer cause I have no patience. Audiobooks and kindle books are easy to carry around, thus more convenient. I’m prone to laziness so when things are super convenient, I don’t have an excuse and I’m more likely to read. I try to follow this rule in other areas of my life. If I meal prep I don’t have to make food throughout the week. If i pick out my clothes the night before I won’t be late and I can be lazier in the mornings. If I follow a workout program I don’t have an excuse to not go to the gym. If you’re a lazy POS like I am, make it super fucking easy on yourself you’ll be able to develop that habit.
Nonfiction books are good for the brain, and fiction books are good for the soul. Fiction ignites a fire in your imagination. The majority of the books I read were nonfiction, but I didn’t just stick with personal development. I read true crime, medicine, science, biographies, and so on. Keep it spicy my dudes.
I went out of my comfort zone last year. I didn’t sky dive or give a speech in front hundreds of people, nay, it was much more tame than that. I expanded the type of reading I did. It’s important to read classics, and most of the classics are written by old white bros. It’s a fact. I’m still gonna keep reading books written by old white dudes, but I want to expand my worldview and to do that I have to read stuff from authors of different demographics. For 2019 I’m going to continue this quest.

I read short books, essays, books with pictures, ebooks, I listened to books, I read books by brown people who look like me, read books by women, just like me. That felt good. Empowering. In October I was stressed the hell out wondering how I would get to my 52 book goal and I went into Overdrive (pun intended). I felt like I was back in college, with only one week left of finals, but like, in a more fun way, not the “Oh shit I’m gonna fail this fucking class if I don’t cram all this information inside my brain which I will immediately dump out soon as I finish my test” kind of way.

My favorite books of 2018 are David Goggins “Can’t Hurt Me,” “Between the World and Me” by Ta-Nehisi Coates, “The Giver” by Lois Lowry, “Daring Greatly” by Brene Brown, “Relentless” by Tim Grover, and “Ready Player One” by Ernest Cline. My goal for 2019 is to read 30 books and to even more books by authors from diverse backgrounds. My goal is lower this year because a higher priority for me in 2019 is to network and really cultivate deep meaningful relationships. I want to apply what I read instead of just consuming vast amounts of information, which often leads to inaction. Inaction is one of my greatest weaknesses. It’s easy to stay at home and read in my own little introverted bubble, life’s more comfortable that way. Ideas and people grow when we interact with others. Growth occurs when you put yourself in uncomfortable situations, and I’m trying to develop that David Goggins type of calloused mind 💪🏾🧠